Did Sreppy Have Anything to Do With Hope Losingher Baby
Understanding Travoltas' 'Replacement' Child
Having a baby soon after the expiry of a child is no panacea for grief.
May twenty, 2010— -- It's a cruel term -- the replacement kid -- that suggests a parent wipes out the agonizing grief of the death of 1 child with the nativity of another.
This week actors John Travolta, 56, and his wife Kelly Preston, 47, announced that they were expecting a child, simply one year after the loss of their sixteen-year-old son Jett, who died later having a seizure at their holiday villa in the Bahama islands.
Jett was autistic and had endured a lifetime of such seizures.
"It'due south incommunicable to keep a clandestine ...Particularly one as wonderful as this," wrote Preston, who is three months meaning and due in November, on her official website. The couple besides has a 10-year-old daughter Ella Bleu.
When a kid dies, many parents accept a "natural urge" to have some other, according to Katherine Shear, professor of psychiatry and social work at Columbia University who specializes in complicated grief.
"A lot of parents do wish to have some other child to come to terms with the loss," she said. "Subsequently they've accepted the loss, information technology's a very natural role of life and can be a very healing thing to do."
"When they practise this, it'south usually with a little bit of sadness and trepidation even when they know information technology's the right thing for them, and I don't think we should guess them," she said. "When they make that decision, it's a difficult one to make and we should primarily support them."
Other psychologists say that having another child so quickly after such a tragic loss can chemical compound the devastation, leaving the grief procedure unresolved.
The wife of new British Prime Minister David Cameron and his wife Samantha are also making plans for a new infant, due in September. Their disabled son Ivan died at age 6 in February of 2009.
"The timing is obviously not admittedly ideal merely nosotros were very keen to accept another baby afterward Ivan died and sometimes it takes a while before the stork drops one down the chimney," the Conservative politician told the Lord's day newspaper earlier this year. "Simply how hard is it to cope with a new baby later the decease of a beloved child?"
Of course they aren't the start parents to add to their family later a catastrophic loss. Embattled presidential candidate John Edwards and his estranged wife Elizabeth had 2 children later on the death of their teenage son Wade when stiff winds swept his Jeep off a Northward Carolina highway in 1996.
Though the couple had girl Cate, who was fourteen at the time, they went on to have two other children: Emma in 1998 and Jack in 2000.
"Nothing in my life has always hit me and stripped everything abroad like my son's expiry," Edwards wrote in his 2004 book, "4 Trials."
Psychologists say that the grief of bereaving parents is the nearly intense of all sorrows and the most complicated.
"In Western culture, all feelings of hope and meaning and expectations are projected on to the child," said Therese Rando, a Rhode Island psychologist who wrote, "How to Continue Living When Someone You lot Love Dies"
Overcoming that grief can be difficult, especially if parents think times they were angry with the child.
"When we lose a child, nosotros experience our expectations are violated," said Rando.
"It'south like losing a lung, it's and so central," she said. "In that location is more guilt, more than anger and more shattered pain, and other people in order are terrified of you because if it tin can happen to your child, it tin can happen to mine."
Equally the child's protector, we have "basically failed at the task" if a kid dies, according to Rando. "We are assaulted. There is a sense of powerlessness and inability to acquit out our role as parents."
Accept a Subsequent Kid, Not a Replacement
Having another child later the "work of grieving" is over, tin exist a good thought, simply not to supervene upon the loss.
"The new pregnancy should not be an attempt to deal with the sadness," she said. "They will see this new footling person as a distinct member of their family."
As for the Travoltas, "We would desire them non to forget Jett, he will always exist an absent member of the family," said Rando. "But the new infant should not feel he has to be Jett."
While it is good for you to accept a "subsequent child," information technology is non psychologically wise to have a "replacement kid," said Rando, "imposing the dead child'due south identity" on the new baby.
Such was the instance wth Angel Renee Smith, not her real proper name, who was born after the death of her older sister Renee and given her middle name.
According to Gerald P. Koocher, dean of the School of Health Sciences at Simmons College in Boston and an expert in the psychology of death, the dynamics of having replacement child range from "good for you" to "bizarre."
"Affections grew upwards with the persistent cognition that she had replaced a sister she had never known," said Koocher.
"Angel is at present a practicing psychologist, ane of my former students, and very well adjusted, although she got into psychology in office because she thought that the naming was a bit creepy and wanted to understand what her mom was going through."
But having some other child can sometimes fulfill the dreams of a consummate family.
" target="_blank">Dr. Richard Paulson, director USC Fertility in Los Angeles.
"Because that person is gone, you don't supercede that person," he said. "I have formed a family and always had an paradigm of a family with so children and at present something bad has happened. Subsequently I had it taken away, I notwithstanding desire to accept a family with two children and I tin can make that happen by having another child."
"Information technology's similar saying, 'If my wife died, I volition get a replacement wife.' I like being married and living in that setting," said Paulson.
Gossip columnists have speculated that Kelly Preston, who is past her fertile prime, sought "help" to become significant. Reporter Paula Froelich said the couple likely made a "concerted effort" to have another child.
Travolta publicist Paul Bloch of the Los Angeles agency Rogers and Cowan had no comment on whether Preston had in vitro fertilization with an egg donor. The couple had told People magazine that they were thinking of having a third child as far dorsum as 2007.
"The biological clock is nearly over at the age of 47," said Paulson. "Ordinarily you can get pregnant on your own, it does happen. Only it'southward not very probable."
The oldest woman who e'er conceived with her own eggs was 57 and is recorded in Guinness Earth Records, co-ordinate to Paulson. In his clinic, the oldest such pregnancy was 45.
"If [Preston] came to me with regular periods, I would say, 'Go try on your own.' Subsequently that, and then go to egg donation. No other medical intervention is a proven success at 47, but that doesn't mean information technology's impossible."
Paulsen said he had worked with many patients seeking another pregnancy after the death of a child, merely "non so chop-chop" as Preston and Cameron.
"People variously become through the grieving process and try to figure things out," he said. "Information technology'southward fair to expect a reasonable corporeality of time, at least a twelvemonth, and as the grief passes and you learn to live with the fact the person is gone, you can showtime looking forrad."
Travolta Dogs Killed, Adding to Grief
As for the Travoltas, not simply are they dealing with the however-fresh loss of their son Jett, but their dogs were accidentally killed by a truck on a Bangor, Maine, aerodrome runway simply this terminal week.
"Kelly Preston's pregnancy is a huge shocker," said Heidi Parker of Star, who broke the story. "It'south a large bargain in Hollywood considering information technology's almost like the perfect moving-picture show; they had a terrible loss now they're having a miracle in their lives."
"They've suffered a lot in the final yr," she said. "They've been grieving. They've had a very difficult time."
Other parents who take lost children say the grief actually never does get abroad, regardless of subsequent pregnancies.
Natasha Clarke, a British singer and Faddy model, had a second son in 2009 after losing her baby daughter Ava to a rare genetic status, methylmalonic acidaemia, which doesn't allow a child to break downwards proteins.
'I am so grateful to accept two healthy boys but you never become over the expiry of a child," she told Uk's Daily Mail paper. "When you deport them for 9 months, y'all are planning their future and thinking virtually their name and how they will fit into the family."
'On Ava's second birthday, I sang happy altogether to her picture," she said. "I volition never spotter my piffling girl go to schoolhouse. Losing a child is like losing part of yourself. You learn to live with it just yous never get over it.'
Source: https://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/MindMoodNews/replacement-chilld-john-travolta-kelly-preston-pregnant-son/story?id=10691191
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